


How to Kill Theseus Scamander

by ChrisBlue



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Baby Niffler did a great job, How Do I Tag, Leta enjoyed the show, M/M, Newt agreed to work with his brother, Newt was so oblivious, Theseus was a good cook, Translation from Chinese, au-ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-24
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-08-28 18:23:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16728561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChrisBlue/pseuds/ChrisBlue
Summary: Casting Avada Kedavra may not succeed in killing Theseus Scamander, but being a Newt Scamander definitely can.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a translation of a Chinese Fanfic named <如何杀死忒休斯·斯卡曼德>
> 
> The original work is posted on Lofter: http://ken0309.lofter.com/post/1cb94f19_12c9d6e68 By 莲玖
> 
> 如果你喜欢这篇文，也请去给原作者点喜欢和推荐哦~！  
> If you like this work, plz go and press Like and Recom~!

   Leta Lestrange found Theseus Scamander, her colleague in the Ministry of Magic, was being a little bit nervous recently.

 

  Although many members of the Auror Office could not be described as normal most of the time, sometimes they wore peculiar expressions and acted in strange ways, Theseus was always a composed and rigorous English gentleman. Even dark wizards or the Unforgivables would not change his inherited tenacity and tranquility. They had been working together for three years, to her, it seemed that Theseus had never been affected by any cases and walked away from them easily. Except when he received a letter from his younger brother.

 

  It all began since that meeting. Newt Scamander, Theseus’ brother, who started to travel around the world after he had been expelled from Hogwarts. He was repatriated to London, for he somehow got himself involved into the mess of Grindelwald and the American Ministry of Magic. Upon hearing this news, Theseus couldn’t stop arguing with the Auror Association, Department of Magical Law Enforcement, and even the Wizengamont members. He’s being unconventionally paranoid and mean, fighting for a solution to lift the travel bane on Newt.

 

 **Theseus was worried sick for his little brother**.

 

  Theseus was an outstanding Auror, thus people tend to compromise on his demand. So the deal he made for Newt was, if he wishes to travel internationally again, Newt had to became an Auror who would assist his brother on paperwork and be in the territory of the British Ministry of Magic for at least six months.

 

  The man wearing a trench coat was sitting opposite to the officers, both hands on the table, slim fingers twisted together. It feels like sitting on the defendant’s seat, with tens of Dementors hovering above, and one of the judges is my brother, Newt thought, lips pressed thin, eyes wondering aimlessly, but sometimes his gaze stopped right on his brother.

 

  Theseus’s heart was in his mouth, Merlin’s beard, what did his little brother had gone through in America? Or didn’t he put enough deposit on Newt’s account in Gringotts? His brother grew thinner than the last time he had seen him, with prominent cheekbones and chapped lips, the used-to-be white cuffs was tainted by the dirt god-knows-when he got. He looked weary.

 

  “What are these all about, Theseus?”

 

  Newt’s mouth was closed, like there was something in it, but Theseus could hear his thoughts. One eye brow raised, Theseus knew his brother prefer to play the tricks.

 

  “The Minister wants you to stay in the Ministry for a while, or he will confiscate the magical beasts in your suitcase, part of them or all of them, he didn’t say.”

 

  Other attendants of this meeting were still discussing about Grindelwald and the disappeared Obscurus，suddenly Newt drew in a breath, turning all the attention towards this scruffy breeder.

 

  **“I will join the Auror Office.”**

 

  Newt held both his hands high, Theseus rolled his eyes where no one would notice him.

 

  Persuading this eight-year-old-younger brother to join the Ministry, obtain a stable job was the goal he tried to reach since Newt was still in his first year. His effort turned to be futile after ten years of nagging, now because of those magical creatures in his trunk, Newt finally agreed.

 

  Theseus silently drew in a breath.

 

  “Theseus,” Leta pulled his cuff under the table, “Are you okay?”

 

  “I’m fine, Leta.” He sat stiffly, replied in a muffled voice.

 

  **“But you look like you couldn't breathe.”**

 


	2. Chapter 2

  Newt Scamander was now a member of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. On the first day he reported as an intern, Theseus Scamander, his guardian, made a brief introduction of the whole staff. Newt was forced to wear the old black trench coat that used to be his brother’s, the sleeves were a bit longer than he thought, so he had to put his hands in the pockets. He leaned forward a little, head held low, his beautiful eyes looked across all the faces of these civil servants, tried to keep up his awkward plus perfunctory smile.

 

  He didn’t remember anyone’s name, except there was a chubby man who’s also called Jacob.

 

  Newt only knew one person in this department, Leta Lestrange, his classmate from the Hogwarts days. The paperwork on Theseus’ desk was pilled up to the celling, house elves had started their work from early morning.

 

  “Hey, let me help you.”

 

  Newt seemed to get along with his ‘colleagues’ rather quickly.

 

  Not even affected by the shocking expressions from the elves, the intern of Auror Office found himself a stool, sat down with two elves, casted a floating charm and a sorting charm to help with managing the documents.

 

  “I’m from New York, how about you? Em, and my name is Newt.”

 

  He shook hands with the two overwhelmed house elves.

 

  Aurors were occupied with their cases, the price of high salary and bonus was the never-ending incidents of dark wizards, especially when Grindelwald had just broken out from prison. Leta noticed her coworker standing unmoved, arms crossed around his chest, a cup of coffee was hovering beside his head. Theseus should have finished his morning coffee already.

 

  “Theseus?”

 

  She called out his name, but the older Scamander’s eyes were focusing on his younger brother, who was sitting on a stool in front of his desk, casually chatting with two house elves.

 

  “Do you wish to have some liquorice candy, Graizo?” Newt asked quietly, sliding his hand in to the pocket of his coat, “Merlin’s beard, I forgot this is not my coat, I’ll bring some tomorrow.”

 

  In ten minutes, Newt said more words to house elves than the number of words he had said to Theseus all day yesterday.

 

**Leta was concerned about her colleague, he really looked like he were choked on something.**

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Un-betaed. 
> 
> Hope there's nothing wrong :P

  At least there’s still one thing could help Theseus to win Newt’s heart, that was, he’s as good a cook as Queenie. He liked to made biscuits into the shape of Norwegian Ridgebacks, having cranberries as their eyes. Theseus even asked Leta to join this little family reunion in case there would be any awkward silence between him and Newt. Sitting at the table, Leta was dazed by those delicate silverwares which have intricate patterns carved on them. Meanwhile there’s also a baby Niffler resting beside one of the goblets, its nail making tinkling sound against the glass. It couldn’t help but stole several glances at the cutlery lying in front of Theseus’ seat.

 

  Had finished making all the dishes, Theseus tore off the apron he was wearing before walked out of the kitchen. Luckily he had already hid all the books about cooking charms, he could imagine the “what the hell” expression on Leta’s face if she had know he did all the cooking. While Newt had been away, Theseus only needed some simple meals, probably because there’s no one to consume those desserts even if he had made any.

 

  A bachelor’s life was colourless.

 

  Newt was famished, plus he still had a trunk of magical beasts to feed. He dug into the food quickly, it’s been long since the last time he had tasted the familiar flavor.

 

  “You like it?” Theseus asked tentatively, he looked far more cautious than when he was interrogating a dark wizard.

 

  Leta Lestrange watched this scene, and took a bite of one biscuit. It was delicious. She had never thought that the most collected man in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement was mastered in making dessert, and she believe these were even better than the cookies sold in the Honeyduke’s.

 

  “Of course, you are the best cook I know.”

 

  Newt’s cheeks were puffed out like a hamster, and he was still trying to stuff a meatball into his mouth. Theseus was expressionless, but Leta could tell he was as exhilarating as a broom that was shooting towards the sky. He took his seat, reaching out to grab his fork, but touched nothing. His cutlery was gone.

 

  It had to be that baby Niffler. Theseus could feel blood pulsing through his veins.

 

  “Newt?”

 

  “Hum?” the young man looked up with wide eyes.

 

  “How am I supposed to catch a Niffler?”

 

  The expert of magical creatures suddenly straightened his back, eyes twinkling with excitement. Is it real that his brother finally sees the light and decides to explore the fantastic world of magical beasts? That is such a tempting scene, they could name all the animals as a member of the Scamander family. Wait a sec, why dose it feel like they are naming their children?

 

  “Use a bell, or some kind of metalware. Jewelries and diamonds work the best.”

 

  “What?”

 

  “Things that are shiny, they love them.”

 

  Leta observed Theseus with interest, his back was stiff, and he could not even look Newt in the eyes. So the shared family trait was shyness and implicitness. She knew Theseus well, and so as Newt, but she realized that they didn’t know how to get along with each other.

 

  The Scamander brothers, they should have been each other’s best confidant, however Theseus always acted clumsily when facing his younger brother.

 

  “And lapel pins also will do.”

 

  Put down his knife and fork, Newt moved towards his brother, took off the pins on his collar. Theseus stopped breathing due to the sudden closeness, thank god he just wanted his cutlery back.

 

  “The Niffler will climb up from the floor, its claws might cling to your shin.”

 

  Newt started to show how it would look like, his crunched down, hugged Theseus’s shanks, soft cheek pressed into the side of Theseus’ thigh.

 

  “Wait…. Newt--”

 

  A shade of red suddenly emerged on the Auror’s face, he stuttered, hands waving.

 

  He looks like some strangers have tried to strike a conversation with him, Leta couldn’t help but took another bite of the cookie.

 

  “Its fur is soft, and you will feel the tickle.”

 

  Leta wrapped some spaghetti around her fork, the smile on her face grew wider. She should have brought a camera with her, then she could have let other coworkers have a chance to see how eloquent Theseus was when he’s dealing with his brother.

 

  Theseus could totally get what the word ‘tickle’ meant. He felt like someone had casted an insect-crawling jinx on him, that tickling feeling started at the area where Newt’s face was contacted with him, spreaded to all his limbs. He tried to push Newt away a little, but he’s could not bring himself to touch his reddish-brown hair and his freckled cheek. His brother was now hugging his legs, swaying gently, like a spoiled Niffler trying to get attention.

 

  Something clattered to the floor.

 

  The lapel pin dropped from Theseus’ hand. Newt stood up, confused.

 

  The Auror was frozen on his seat, as if some had casted _Petrificus Totalus_ on him. Newt touched his brother’s shoulder, “Theseus?”

 

  “He’s fine.” Leta gestured Newt to take his seat, “The salad’s good, you must try it.”

 

  “But Theseus is…” Newt pointed at his older brother.

 

**“If you move one step closer, I think you are going to kill him. Just give him a break.”**

 

  Newt was worried. But the Aurors’ world was so complicated, he decided he would listen to her.

 

  “Oh right, did you notice that Theseus’ cutlery was stolen by that baby Niffler?”

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

  Who casted those petrifying curses? Newt had never got the answer. He could only conclude that it happened a lot of times, and its lasting time varied a lot. Theseus would merely stop in the middle of what he was doing for a flashing moment, and then he was acting as normal; sometimes a bit longer, like ten minutes or more. Moreover, if they were both in Newt’s suitcase, Theseus would freeze at where he was standing for nearly a whole hour.

 

For instance—

  On hearing Newt saying “Mom’s here” to Mooncalf，Theseus almost tripped himself into a small pile of turd.

  And also when Newt stripped off his clothes to jump into water.

  As well as When Newt was mixing milk powder for baby Octopus.

 

 

  “How long he’s been standing here?”

  Leta walked around the petrified man. Newt invited her to pay a visit to the suitcase.

  “Today’s the new record, it’s been one hour and ten minutes. You really think I shouldn’t get him a healer or something?” Newt was concerned, his brother had never showed such symptom before, at least when himself had not been expelled from Hogwarts yet. God, is it that long that he hadn’t spent time with Theseus?

  He probably should care for his older brother more.

  “He’s okay, what were you talking about back then?”

 

**“The mating dance.”**

**Newt replied, still slightly out of breath.**

 

 

**-End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally!
> 
> This is the first time I post any work in English, I'm really thankful for all your comments and kudos!!

**Author's Note:**

> I've tried to have all the proper nouns of the HP universe right... If you find anything wrong, plz do not hesitate to tell me!


End file.
